Before I begin – This series of posts are based on the mind of the GOOD man. I am not referring to those men who have serious issues that shackle them to the cycle of dysfunction. Most are good men, and by God’s good grace, most women have married good men, and these tips are for you, the wife of the good man.
The Mind of the Good Man Part One
Let’s begin with fact. Men are simple creatures. This fact is often lost when working to decipher the mind of the good man, however, it is the most critical fact that we as women need to remember. They are simple creatures, women are the complex ones. Men appreciate straight-forward conversations, vocalized expectations, an ego stroke and enthusiastic affection. Easy right? Let’s delve deeper with category number one: Acceptance.
Acceptance
First, accept him. You’ve married this man. You fell in love with this man. He had the qualities that you were looking for in a spouse, and you said, ‘I do’. You made vows before God, to love him, to honor him, for better and for worse, for richer and poor, sickness and health. No matter what state you find yourself in today, or you find your spouse in, you promised to accept him. Those vows are the same vows today, as they were years ago. This is the marriage God gave you. You must have a level of acceptance of your state in life and a level of acceptance of your spouse before moving on to the other categories in these posts.
If you had a plan to change your man after he said, ‘I do’, good luck with that. I can assure you, it won’t happen. What will happen is frustration over the lack of acceptance he will feel from you.
Job One: next time you see him, tonight if you can, look at your husband. Take a moment, and mentally accept who you married, good attributes and faults, accept them all. This is your lot in life, for better or worse. Take him for who he is. If you never did this, even at the time of your wedding, do it now. It’s a mental job. It’s making a mental decision. All your actions from here on out will be based on accepting him for who he is. God picked him for you, and you for him. Never underestimate the genius of God. Accept God’s choice for you, as a recognition that God is in charge, and you relent fighting His choice.
Last week we began this series, with Part One: Acceptance. We were once again reminded that we choose this man in our lives for better or worse, and if we haven't yet accepted him for who he is, then that must be done first.
Next we move to Part Two of this little series The Mind of the Good Man. We will look at the issue of...
Time
I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m a busy woman. I have five children ages nine and under. I have a household to manage, clothes to clean, schedules to keep, doctors to visit, kids to potty train, meals to make, and somehow find the time to shop, sew, check email, watch the news, and never miss a favorite TV show. There will never be enough hours in the day to accomplish all I feel I must. That’s the point. There will never be enough time. It’s so easy to neglect a major piece of my life when that piece isn’t complaining. That piece is my Good Man. He needs my time and appreciation. Simply making time for him makes him know I appreciate him. When I took my vows, I promised to keep him first priority, and when kids came along, it became harder and harder to keep him first, when the needs of the children are so very present and vocal!
Job Two: If it is hard to give lots of time, start small. How difficult is it to send a quick note to him asking him how his day is going? Can you pick up his favorite desert or drink when you are out and about? When he gets home can you stop what you are doing and go say ‘Welcome home’ with a kiss? Can you listen to him talk about his day without interruption? If children are constantly in between you, start teaching them that Mom and Dad need time to talk as well, and they will have to wait. Be creative. All these seemingly little things aren’t really little at all. With no words you are telling your good man, you are thinking of him, you love him and you appreciate him. When you give your time, it’s a precious gift. Even he knows that.
For the past few weeks we have been looking into the Mind of the Good Man. Part Three involves praise and gratitude,
'Good Job and Thank you!'
I admit, I often fail in this regard. I am all too often worried about praising my kids and showing gratitude for any of their small efforts that I can often forget to praise and say ‘thank you’ to my spouse. If your good man has a job, then he works hard, guaranteed. It’s in their DNA to want to succeed. If he succeeds in any accomplishment, praise him, as you would anyone else who overcame a difficult situation, as you would expect him to do for you. If he helps you around the house, don’t micromanage him, let go of the need for control and let him do it his way – and get this; just say ‘thanks’. In the end, he’ll see he’s needed and appreciated, which is so much more important than if he cleaned the bathroom just to your preference.
This is really a more simple concept. We ALL want to feel we've done well, as well as appreciated for our efforts. Men are no different. They need that pat on the back and our thanks just as much as we do.
The worst habit many wives find themselves in is the complaining about our good man, especially to other women. It sets ourselves up for disappointment next time we see him. Tell your friends, you’ve got one good man, and when you get home, you’ll see in him That. Good. Man.
Job Three: Stop nagging him and complaining. If you need help with something, ask him once. If he doesn’t do it, ask again or leave it. It’s more important that he sees he’s needed. It’s also important that he sees you are content. Complaints irritate everyone! Lastly, say ‘thank you’ a lot more…..like ten times more a day. Trust me, it goes a long way with a good man.
Part Four continues below:
Men Feel
Hard to believe, but yes, they have feelings too, and his feelings are important. Every man wants to feel that we approve of them. Simple creatures, remember? A wife’s approval is as important to him as the air he breathes. If your good man, is barely surviving because of lack of approval, he suffers from emasculation. He needs his ego stroked, enthusiastic approval and encouragement. Don’t we all!? When we ask him if we look fat in this outfit, do we really expect him to say ‘yes’? No, we expect an ego stroke. We expect, ‘Honey you look wonderful’ even if we don’t look wonderful. Same goes for him, an ego stroke goes a long way to bolstering his self esteem and confidence. By complimenting him we make him feel that we approve of him….something he is always looking for. Let me tell you, a man who feels that his wife approves of him, will adore her.
Job Four: If this is new to you, start small. Give him a compliment just once a day. It could be a physical attribute he has, it could be the way he handled a situation at work or home, it could be the way he kissed you last….the list is endless. Just give him a compliment, and be sincere. Tell him how much you like that particular thing. Just a bit of stroking his ego will send a very important message, that you approve of him. It’s like giving him a breath of oxygen to last all day!
Part Five involves that mysterious necessity of all good relationships: Communication.
Communication Differences
This should be no surprise. Men and women communicate differently. We talk, they want to solve. They talk, we tell them not to feel that way. For both, men and women, we just want to be heard and understood. Take what he says at face value and don’t overanalyze it. Accept what he is saying. When talking with him, be honest, not manipulative. When you need help on a tough decision, give it to him, he loves the challenge. Make simple short requests. When you need help on something, asking lovingly will always result in action, especially if you have been working on steps one through four of this process. He’s not a mind reader, he won’t know it until you ask for it.
If your good man could tell you this, he would: Conversations lasting over an hour are for your girlfriends, mothers or sisters, not your good man. Talking things through and getting back on the same page should never take longer than an hour.
Job Five: If something around your home needs his assistance, ask lovingly, with a kiss, touch his face, hold his hand: something simple to tell him, you love him and you need him. Also take some time this week to just sit and listen, comment minimally, and when he’s done, give him a hug, and tell him, how glad you are that he can share his day with you.
We continue now, with Part Six: R - E - S - P - E - C - T.....Find Out What It Means To Him! (Yes, singing Aretha right now)!
Respect
Every man wants to feel like the King of his castle. Disrespect is very damaging to the Mind of the Good Man, especially in front of others, and others means: your children, your parents, his parents, your siblings, his siblings…EVERYONE. If there are things that you need to discuss, you disagree with etc, then do it in private. Never subject your Good Man to your disapproval in front of others. Not only does it put those other people in conflict, and in an uncomfortable situation, it portrays your Good Man, as something worthy of disrespect. If tables were turned, how would you feel? He simply wants to be your hero and be treated as such in public.
Job Six: In front of others, especially your children, show him the love and admiration you have for him. If something needs to be addressed, do it when you get home, or after the kids are in bed. It shows great maturity in a relationship when the two involved can back-burner an issue in front of others, and deal with it later. What ever the issue, it’s never worth it to air dirty laundry, especially in the Mind of the Good Man.
Part Seven is Guy Time
Just like our Girls’ Night Out, men also need ‘Guy Time’. Perhaps he has a hobby or a group of friends that he likes to hang out with. Allow that time. Men find great camaraderie with other men, they support each other, in silent ways, but nevertheless so important. It's like their Band of Brothers....they need each other, the world, the fight can be tough, they need to be around others that 'get that'.
If we have been doing all the jobs outlined previously in the Mind of the Good Man, from Job One to Job Six….trust me, he won’t need as much guy time….he’ll LOVE coming home to you! AND, if you have been doing Jobs 1-6, trust me, his status among his friends elevates considerably. He walks into a room with his head held high, and his friends know why…because that Good Man, has a great wife, who loves him, and allows for him to be The Man. Men take notice of these things. It’s hard to believe, but they know which of their group is admired by his wife….and that’s a status symbol more powerful than that awesome car he drives or the latest promotion at work. Ask him yourself. You’ll be amazed at his response.
Job Seven: Allow for his Guy Time. Once a month is perfectly acceptable, as a woman often needs this monthly outing herself. If your Good Man is already out more often than that, perfect your Jobs 1-6 a bit more. If your Good Man isn’t getting out at all, encourage it. Perhaps every two months or so, encourage him to get out with his buddies, go paintballing, to a football game, golf or something he enjoys. Men have to be allowed to be men, so when they come home they’ll see, 'My Good Woman is worth the fight'.
This is the last and final posting on The Mind of The Good Man Series. We end with Part Eight: Intimacy.
Don’t mistake me here, intimacy comes in all forms. From simple hand-holding, to a kiss, to cuddling and so forth…..intimacy is huge in the Mind of the Good Man. Most women already know this. What is missing sometimes from our understanding, is that for men, intimacy is a basic need, like food, water and oxygen. For our Good Man, intimacy with his wife sends a message that the world is ok, life is good, all is well. And it’s needed for him, just as much as conversation is needed for women. Without it, he’s handicapped. No joke. No matter what situation, without intimacy, he finds himself limited, as if we cut off an oxygen supply and he’s only functioning at 80%. Now let weeks and weeks pass by with no intimacy, and he’s down functioning at a measly 50%. Let months go by and you get the drift. He slowly slips into another world. And let me be the first to tell you, any man functioning at such low percentiles, will notice all kinds of things he never even saw before….And other aggressive women will notice those opportunities….It’s like putting a starving man in front of a steak and potatoes, and expect him not to drool.
Job Eight, the last and possibly the most difficult: Men are visual creatures. Give your Good Man something good to look at, namely you, who has been taking good care of herself. Initiate intimacy in small and big ways to keep his need filled at 100%. If your Good Man has been having cheeseburgers regularly, he won’t even notice that Big Mac that just passed him by in that short skirt. He’ll succeed not only at work, but at home as well. He’ll be a better parent, better teammate, better spouse, because you have told him, in small ways, through intimacy, that you approve, you love him, you admire him.
Now that we have covered the eight areas of the Mind of the Good Man….with all eight jobs included….remember, it is an effort on our part to understand him and his needs, and those needs are simple. It’s love, admiration, approval, respect and gratitude. The power to transform your Good Man and your Good Marriage into a Great Man and a Great Marriage, is within your grasp, but there is a bit of work to start the journey. After a while, it won’t be work anymore. It becomes a natural way of life, filling the needs of those you love. It just becomes your way to show Love…..and your rewards for showing your love, will be fantastic.
The Mind of the Good Man Part One
Let’s begin with fact. Men are simple creatures. This fact is often lost when working to decipher the mind of the good man, however, it is the most critical fact that we as women need to remember. They are simple creatures, women are the complex ones. Men appreciate straight-forward conversations, vocalized expectations, an ego stroke and enthusiastic affection. Easy right? Let’s delve deeper with category number one: Acceptance.
First, accept him. You’ve married this man. You fell in love with this man. He had the qualities that you were looking for in a spouse, and you said, ‘I do’. You made vows before God, to love him, to honor him, for better and for worse, for richer and poor, sickness and health. No matter what state you find yourself in today, or you find your spouse in, you promised to accept him. Those vows are the same vows today, as they were years ago. This is the marriage God gave you. You must have a level of acceptance of your state in life and a level of acceptance of your spouse before moving on to the other categories in these posts.
If you had a plan to change your man after he said, ‘I do’, good luck with that. I can assure you, it won’t happen. What will happen is frustration over the lack of acceptance he will feel from you.
Job One: next time you see him, tonight if you can, look at your husband. Take a moment, and mentally accept who you married, good attributes and faults, accept them all. This is your lot in life, for better or worse. Take him for who he is. If you never did this, even at the time of your wedding, do it now. It’s a mental job. It’s making a mental decision. All your actions from here on out will be based on accepting him for who he is. God picked him for you, and you for him. Never underestimate the genius of God. Accept God’s choice for you, as a recognition that God is in charge, and you relent fighting His choice.
Last week we began this series, with Part One: Acceptance. We were once again reminded that we choose this man in our lives for better or worse, and if we haven't yet accepted him for who he is, then that must be done first.
Next we move to Part Two of this little series The Mind of the Good Man. We will look at the issue of...
Time
I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m a busy woman. I have five children ages nine and under. I have a household to manage, clothes to clean, schedules to keep, doctors to visit, kids to potty train, meals to make, and somehow find the time to shop, sew, check email, watch the news, and never miss a favorite TV show. There will never be enough hours in the day to accomplish all I feel I must. That’s the point. There will never be enough time. It’s so easy to neglect a major piece of my life when that piece isn’t complaining. That piece is my Good Man. He needs my time and appreciation. Simply making time for him makes him know I appreciate him. When I took my vows, I promised to keep him first priority, and when kids came along, it became harder and harder to keep him first, when the needs of the children are so very present and vocal! Job Two: If it is hard to give lots of time, start small. How difficult is it to send a quick note to him asking him how his day is going? Can you pick up his favorite desert or drink when you are out and about? When he gets home can you stop what you are doing and go say ‘Welcome home’ with a kiss? Can you listen to him talk about his day without interruption? If children are constantly in between you, start teaching them that Mom and Dad need time to talk as well, and they will have to wait. Be creative. All these seemingly little things aren’t really little at all. With no words you are telling your good man, you are thinking of him, you love him and you appreciate him. When you give your time, it’s a precious gift. Even he knows that.
For the past few weeks we have been looking into the Mind of the Good Man. Part Three involves praise and gratitude,
'Good Job and Thank you!'
This is really a more simple concept. We ALL want to feel we've done well, as well as appreciated for our efforts. Men are no different. They need that pat on the back and our thanks just as much as we do.
The worst habit many wives find themselves in is the complaining about our good man, especially to other women. It sets ourselves up for disappointment next time we see him. Tell your friends, you’ve got one good man, and when you get home, you’ll see in him That. Good. Man.
Job Three: Stop nagging him and complaining. If you need help with something, ask him once. If he doesn’t do it, ask again or leave it. It’s more important that he sees he’s needed. It’s also important that he sees you are content. Complaints irritate everyone! Lastly, say ‘thank you’ a lot more…..like ten times more a day. Trust me, it goes a long way with a good man.
Part Four continues below:
Men Feel
Job Four: If this is new to you, start small. Give him a compliment just once a day. It could be a physical attribute he has, it could be the way he handled a situation at work or home, it could be the way he kissed you last….the list is endless. Just give him a compliment, and be sincere. Tell him how much you like that particular thing. Just a bit of stroking his ego will send a very important message, that you approve of him. It’s like giving him a breath of oxygen to last all day!
Part Five involves that mysterious necessity of all good relationships: Communication.
Communication Differences
If your good man could tell you this, he would: Conversations lasting over an hour are for your girlfriends, mothers or sisters, not your good man. Talking things through and getting back on the same page should never take longer than an hour.
Job Five: If something around your home needs his assistance, ask lovingly, with a kiss, touch his face, hold his hand: something simple to tell him, you love him and you need him. Also take some time this week to just sit and listen, comment minimally, and when he’s done, give him a hug, and tell him, how glad you are that he can share his day with you.
We continue now, with Part Six: R - E - S - P - E - C - T.....Find Out What It Means To Him! (Yes, singing Aretha right now)!
Respect
Job Six: In front of others, especially your children, show him the love and admiration you have for him. If something needs to be addressed, do it when you get home, or after the kids are in bed. It shows great maturity in a relationship when the two involved can back-burner an issue in front of others, and deal with it later. What ever the issue, it’s never worth it to air dirty laundry, especially in the Mind of the Good Man.
Part Seven is Guy Time
Just like our Girls’ Night Out, men also need ‘Guy Time’. Perhaps he has a hobby or a group of friends that he likes to hang out with. Allow that time. Men find great camaraderie with other men, they support each other, in silent ways, but nevertheless so important. It's like their Band of Brothers....they need each other, the world, the fight can be tough, they need to be around others that 'get that'.
If we have been doing all the jobs outlined previously in the Mind of the Good Man, from Job One to Job Six….trust me, he won’t need as much guy time….he’ll LOVE coming home to you! AND, if you have been doing Jobs 1-6, trust me, his status among his friends elevates considerably. He walks into a room with his head held high, and his friends know why…because that Good Man, has a great wife, who loves him, and allows for him to be The Man. Men take notice of these things. It’s hard to believe, but they know which of their group is admired by his wife….and that’s a status symbol more powerful than that awesome car he drives or the latest promotion at work. Ask him yourself. You’ll be amazed at his response.
Job Seven: Allow for his Guy Time. Once a month is perfectly acceptable, as a woman often needs this monthly outing herself. If your Good Man is already out more often than that, perfect your Jobs 1-6 a bit more. If your Good Man isn’t getting out at all, encourage it. Perhaps every two months or so, encourage him to get out with his buddies, go paintballing, to a football game, golf or something he enjoys. Men have to be allowed to be men, so when they come home they’ll see, 'My Good Woman is worth the fight'.
This is the last and final posting on The Mind of The Good Man Series. We end with Part Eight: Intimacy.
Don’t mistake me here, intimacy comes in all forms. From simple hand-holding, to a kiss, to cuddling and so forth…..intimacy is huge in the Mind of the Good Man. Most women already know this. What is missing sometimes from our understanding, is that for men, intimacy is a basic need, like food, water and oxygen. For our Good Man, intimacy with his wife sends a message that the world is ok, life is good, all is well. And it’s needed for him, just as much as conversation is needed for women. Without it, he’s handicapped. No joke. No matter what situation, without intimacy, he finds himself limited, as if we cut off an oxygen supply and he’s only functioning at 80%. Now let weeks and weeks pass by with no intimacy, and he’s down functioning at a measly 50%. Let months go by and you get the drift. He slowly slips into another world. And let me be the first to tell you, any man functioning at such low percentiles, will notice all kinds of things he never even saw before….And other aggressive women will notice those opportunities….It’s like putting a starving man in front of a steak and potatoes, and expect him not to drool.
Job Eight, the last and possibly the most difficult: Men are visual creatures. Give your Good Man something good to look at, namely you, who has been taking good care of herself. Initiate intimacy in small and big ways to keep his need filled at 100%. If your Good Man has been having cheeseburgers regularly, he won’t even notice that Big Mac that just passed him by in that short skirt. He’ll succeed not only at work, but at home as well. He’ll be a better parent, better teammate, better spouse, because you have told him, in small ways, through intimacy, that you approve, you love him, you admire him.
Now that we have covered the eight areas of the Mind of the Good Man….with all eight jobs included….remember, it is an effort on our part to understand him and his needs, and those needs are simple. It’s love, admiration, approval, respect and gratitude. The power to transform your Good Man and your Good Marriage into a Great Man and a Great Marriage, is within your grasp, but there is a bit of work to start the journey. After a while, it won’t be work anymore. It becomes a natural way of life, filling the needs of those you love. It just becomes your way to show Love…..and your rewards for showing your love, will be fantastic.
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