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Allowing God To Work

So blogging is slow.  I knew it would be.  There is too much on my plate.  There are women in my path looking for answers, and I'm seriously doubting in my abilities to do it all.  I am taking this moment, this right now moment, to take it in, to take in the little things God is permitting me to witness, to watch, to counsel and to advise. 

Today was the Living Rosary at our Catholic School.  My daughter having a significant reading part in the Living Rosary was all the necessary push I needed to attend and participate.  I do enjoy it, as each decade is said in a different language showing such a universality of our Mother Church.  Today was no different.  I thoroughly loved hearing the different ways to say "Hail Mary, full of grace" and "Our Father".  It was surreal to hear it over and over again, not understanding the majority of the languages spoken, yet, still knowing what was said, and responding in English the second half.  It was beautiful.

During the Gaelic decade of the rosary, I took my visual scan across the room, now having met and gotten to know many of the Moms in attendance.  I made a mental note of how different each mother I saw, really is.  One has one particular gift, so unique and special, and completely different to that mother just sitting next to her.  They look at each other, point at one of their own children, and smile and laugh together.  It, too, was beautiful, just how mothers can connect, and enjoy each other, all the while being so different from one another.

Then, an unmistakable feeling of gratitude found me, that it is through the meditation of Our Lord, that we come together as a school community.  It is honoring Our Lady in this month of October that has us united in this common location, our school gym to bring to life not only the life of Our Lord, but that life of our Faith.
I have seen more in the last two weeks of the inner workings of our school, and I tell you, not all of it includes the Christian Charity we all profess to believe in.  It's been eye-opening, frustrating and at the same time, liberating to know no one is perfect, and we are all on the path toward sanctity.  No one's there yet.  Wondering if I'd fit in, all these many years, now I know, not only do I fit in, I have work to do too.  It's humbling for sure, yet God has a plan.

There are reasons to see the things I have seen.  There are things I can do to change what is around me.  I know one person can make a difference, all if it's God's plan.  I do not believe I have the power to change people.  I know better than to fool myself into thinking I can change anyone else.

All I know I can change is my own reactions to what is happening around me.  All I know I can do, is be authentically who I am.   God has blessed me and my family beyond expectations, and I know that there are pieces of my family's life that I can share in order to be more authentic, be more present, be more open with others.  All I can do is take each moment as it comes, and be prepared mentally, emotionally and spiritually to be present for someone else, to be ready to listen, to be ready to hear someone, ask a question, be interested in them. 

With so much on my plate, and my to do list growing all the time, I find the constant battle to be fighting this to do list, while at the same time growing in my own personal commitments.  Do I get the job done at any cost?  Do I work to have an impact on just one person and get the majority of the list done?  Do I resign myself to getting done just the essentials, and keeping that peace and joy that I have worked long and hard at, as to maintain the sanity and peace in my own home?

I've talked about walking that fine line before, walking a tight rope of balancing life's curve balls.....and here I am again, searching to find the safe and sure path, that keeps the unity and family structure HH and I have built together, a firm solid grounding.

I come home to face these five little faces looking at me, waiting on me, and to push them off, to make that call, or send that email, or work on some 'urgent' project, is tearing at me.  They are my heart, and I wonder if giving the gifts I have to share will hurt them in the long run.  I agonize over the parts of  my self-inflicted busy ness, if they will indeed reap the miracles that I hope God wants to perform. 

I don't have any answers yet, I am confronted with a few stragetic decisions to make, and ultimately, need to take more time in my prayer to discern what directions God is asking me to take.  

This Living Rosary told me something special today, the community of Faith that was gathered in this gym, is just that, a diverse community, imperfections and all, trying to come together for a common purpose, the living of our Faith.  We gather together in this belief that this school is the handiwork of God, placing people and educators in our path for our families movement in the right direction. 

How do I sit and teach my children that they can, just one person, make a difference in their social circle, and not believe it myself, or try and live it myself?  It's the worst kind of hypocrisy to teach a child one thing, yet do another.  It tells my kid, I don't live what I preach.

And I refuse to do that.  I refuse to do anything other than what I have taught my kids to do.  So, I invite God into the process, into the equation, because I clearly can see, I can not go it alone.  And in the end, that's the message that's the most important, the most profound lesson I can teach my own children.  They are not alone.  They can lean on Him at any time, and should before any big task, ask for His guidance and grace.
Lord, assist this small family and make us worthy of all your gifts.


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