Limits and Worth

Many times I have mentioned moving into a new chapter in our family's life.  The kids are growing fast, even Babe is turning four years old in a few short months.  Life is certainly easier in a lot of ways, no diapers to change, babies to nurse or heavy car seats to lug here and there.  We are sleeping through the night, we are eating together as a family, no more baby food jars, no more high chairs or sippy cups. 

Where have those days gone? 

When Mom is in the thick of these things, it seems like we'll never get out of it.  We imagine this is our state in life, this perpetual high demand of laborious tasks, with our energy tank at near empty again and again.  It becomes a way of life.  We adjust, our bodies even get used to living on less and less sleep.  We make a certain peace with this way of life, and it's hard to imagine a time when it will be behind us.

I didn't see this day coming, just as I am sure most Moms can't see beyond the many details we are consumed with. 

And here I am, with a bit of sadness and a bit of joy.  I see God's wisdom in moving us all forward into the next chapter, I can see a beauty in this time of a family's life, where focus can shift, sharpen and move us all beyond sleepless nights and baby gear. 

And it begs the question....what now?

There are many opportunities, many areas that need time and attention whether outside the home or inside it.  I find an array opening up, I see many ways to find myself again, those hobbies, those creative outlets that I had to neglect in order to tend to my babies. 

I admit, perhaps I threw myself into projects full force, looking for ways to grow on personal, creative and spiritual levels.  The past six months or so have definitely taught me lessons on all fronts.  There was one lesson, indeed, that I wasn't quite prepared for, being consumed with family for so long, babies and the endless list of demands.

See, being a Stay at Home Mom can be very isolating, and we do reach out as best we can to find support, encouragement and adult conversation to keep sanity.  But the lesson I learned was about mingling with other women.  I've been consumed with outside the home projects the past six months, volunteering and such, and generally whenever working side by side with other women, I have had few issues to contend with.....save one.

I abhor drama.  I can't stand competition.  I avoid gossip, cattiness, and overall anything that detracts from the mission at hand.  I've taken a few days to review the past six months.  I've spent time evaluating what exactly was going on, if I but read between the lines. If I was a bit more competitive, if I was a bit more savvy in business strategies, if I was a bit more aggressive, then I would have seen what was happening right before my eyes.

I admit it, I allowed myself to be blinded.  I put on those rose-colored glasses in the attempt to be more accepting, more tolerant and overall the nice-guy.  There is a reason nice-guys finish last.  I see that.  I was ill-equipped to handle the games and the politics that got thrown my way.  I assumed being in Catholic circles that the back-bitting wouldn't exist, that our Christian Charity would win the day.

I was wrong.  I witnessed more jocking for position and reputation that I have ever seen in any of my business work days.  I heard women tear each other apart.  I saw game playing, strategic tactics and overall a sense that I just didn't belong.

I consider myself to be simple.  Maybe that's the problem.  I see things on a simple level, not looking for advancement, as I have no needs outside my home.  My home needs me, my children need me, my husband needs me.  I have no need to be in a spot light.  I have little desire to constantly diffuse situations, tempers or emotional outbursts. 

And now I know why.  And just like who God made me to be: simple, the answer of 'why' is simple too.

I don't find my value outside my family.  I don't find my value in volunteer projects.  I don't look for validation from other school Moms.  I don't search out approval.  I stopped that long ago, when I realized my own worth, and where it really came from. 

My worth comes from God.  My value comes from God.  He gave me this life, these children, this husband.  For sure, I know that.  He gave me my vocation, which is Wife and Mother.  I gave myself the endless list of to dos, negativity and drama that came with my outside the home endeavours.  Did He want me to learn something here?  For sure.  Always. 

And the lesson did not escape me.  I learned what my limits are, and where my value lies.  And those two things are paramount.  They are more important than I ever imagined. So many women lack these two things, finding limits and finding value.

I saw myself choose again and again the drama over my limit, choosing the drama over my own value as a mother.  I told myself I was doing God's work, and so no matter the suffering, it was worth it.  No matter what excuses I told myself, it was more important.  God can pick times to show us something that might hurt us a little, but in the long run, helps us focus where we are truly needed the most.

Am I to gain the world, yet lose my own soul, or the souls of my family members?  Is our first job the one He gave us, not the ones we choose for ourselves?  My first job as wife and mother wasn't done.  It will never be.  Yes, we are out of the diaper stage, or making ice cube trays of baby food.  The job changes, evolves into something new.

I misunderstood that.  I can admit it.  I saw freedom, adult interaction and temptations, and rationalized everything I could in order for them to make the most sense.  And a few days of recollection allows for clarity like I haven't seen in a long while.  I can make excuses no more.  We all have limits.  And finally I can put pride aside, and see I have reached mine.

I have made decisions for this 2012 year.  And I know God expects me to see them through.  I will finish my commitment being true to my word, yet I know what the future will hold now.  Of course, the specifics may change, but the guides of how I will live it, is mapped.  And how can I map it?

Because I have learned yet again, my limit and my worth.  Those two things are huge.  More than huge, they are guides given to me by God, to be a better Mother, to be a better Wife, to be what He has called me to be.

And He doesn't call everyone into politics.  He doesn't call everyone into the drama or negativity that I have endured.  He doesn't call us into evil situations.  It exists, yes, and we must work to battle it.  I know that.  But what I have done was to put my family into the cross hairs, and that is something I refuse to do any longer.  I may have been battling evil, but I never intended to pass the baton to my little ones to fight it too.  They aren't ready, they aren't strong enough.  But one day they will be, because I will have been there to build their weapons, to strengthen their Faith in God, to guide them, to love them.

We all fall victim to making mistakes every now and again.  I know I have made mistakes, I know others have too.  The only thing I know, is that I will pick myself back up, as I can see having met my limit.  And this requires me to pray, discern God and re-orientate myself and my true worth as a daughter of God.  The littleness of being His daughter and the grandeur of being His princess.  He needs me to do the job He gave me.  He needs my five little soldiers to be prepared to face the world.  Who will prepare them? 

It's me.  God choose me.

And I pray I don't let Him down.