In a few short months, we will see a milestone for my beloved and I; Fifteen years of being husband and wife. It’s a little strange to contemplate that this many years have gone by. Alas, I look about our home, and see these five children who look a little like me and a little like him, and they are a profound proof that yes, indeed this many years have come and gone, bringing life’s true joys mingled along side the struggles.
Amidst the children being the sign of our love, there are little other nuances that I have worked to identify, as otherwise, would go unnoticed, underappreciated and overall taken for granted. I take this time in reflection, to not only pinpoint those little ways that make and sustain our marriage, but to thank God, that we recognized early on, marriage takes Work. It’s not something that comes easily nor without sincere effort. God has always put on our hearts, from the onset of our marriage, that this thing, this relationship would need constant attention, focus and nurturing. It’s a gift from God that we have always seen progress in our relationship, due to His promptings.
After 15 years, I quit trying to make him into the man I think he should be….and accept him for who he is. This is a biggie. I wonder how many women, like me, thought upon getting married, “Well, this is a good start, but I can make him better.” I have accepted him for the man he wants to be, and not what I think he should be. I’ll tell you why. The man he wants to be, his ideal for himself, is actually quite impressive. And all men should be allowed to search out and conquer this ideal for themselves.
After 15 years, I can tell as soon as he walks in the door what kind of mood he is in. I can tell he needs a few minutes to himself to gather his thoughts, and turn a switch from work-mode to Dad-mode. And I have learned after this many years, give him these few minutes. Not only is he more ready to handle his Dad responsibilities, but that he’s happier overall, having left work stress at work. Not only that, but I do teach the children as well, not to bombard their father when he walks in the door. Five kiddos all eager and bursting with information can send even me into another zone upon just coming home.
After 15 years, if I need to communicate with him, something important to me, I make it a point to be logical, rational and check the emotions at the door. Then, I give him time. I do believe some men need time to digest the information, and can come back with a greater understanding then what was even presented to them. They bring a wider vision to the problem, which ends up solving a string of problematic scenarios. (I have to admit, I love this gift my HH has, it just took a long time to know how to best work with it.) In recent years, I’d say this method of respecting who he is, when I have brought something to his attention, has been wildly successful.
After 15 years, whether it be camping or honeymoon vacations, we are both eager for the same kind of get away. As the planning begins on any trip, our goals and plans align more parallel than our earlier years, where our motivations or intentions weren’t the same. Thankfully, enough time and wisdom has been accumulated in order to really stay on the same page, and yearn for similar paths.
After 15 years, a look on his face is an unspoken code of what he is thinking, in any social situation. When the look is just right, it is when only I, as his wife, have the power to soothe or diffuse the situation. It’s a privilege to have this role, when I can visually see filling a need for him.
After 15 years, we still say please and thank you, excuse me, sorry and I forgive you. Being together this long never has meant to us, that any of these respectful and loving responses would/could fall by the waste side. In fact, more attention has been given to these little acts of kindness in recent years.
After 15 years we still work to build up each other’s image for the children to learn from and admire. It takes a little effort to compliment my cooking, or for me to cheer on Dad, but the kids have learned how to value and respect us seeing how hard we work, and how to compliment others. I hope and pray these kinds of things will help guide them when evaluating future spouses as well!
Now here’s some quick ones, as I might never finish this post!
After 15 years….
We still discuss purchases over a specific dollar amount.
We still attend Mass together, and as a family.
We pray hard, play hard and work hard, together.
We argue, disagree and can battle each other passionately.
We forgive the faults of each other’s family members.
I’ll say that a little time evaluating these few things comes with a joyous heart and yet a heavy one as well. I took a look around recently, and sadly, many marriages from my vantage point, are either struggling, have ended or are broken in some way.
How have we survived? No, not just survived, but thrived?
This is the question of our 15th Anniversary. Are these things above that different than other marriages? Are these ways we respect and love eah other, really, that rare?
What are today’s marriages really like? Is there safety and security in the one you’ve chosen for this life journey? Is there common decency and respect anymore? How can I tell….. They only let you see what they want you to see.
These are the times, when the outside world seems cold and unjust, that I like to live in my little bubble. These are the exact times that I feel blessed to have metaphorically, closed my blinds, and focused on the kind of life God wants for our family, not what the world expects. The world has distorted our image of husband and wife, to the point that we are confused ourselves of who we are.
The world teaches, a kind of “Where’s mine?” attitude versus what God had intended, a complete surrender to each other. The world teaches, that marriage enslaves us, when God had planned it to free us, allow us to love completely and without reservation…the plan was to relive the sacrifice of the cross. Jesus gave his life for his bride the Church. In turn the Church, the bride, submits and allows the groom’s sacrifice. Our marriage is meant to duplicate this relationship again, and again, in every daily interaction. It’s not easy, of course, not easy. Just as Christ’s sacrifice wasn’t easy either. Nor, I am sure, the Church as the bride allowing the sacrifice, submitting to the Will of the Father, isn’t easy.
Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy, is ever without work and struggle. We live in a world that hates work, hates struggle. It’s no wonder, that those who let the world influence them, will falter. The very things that make it work, the self denial or service that we are called to, are the very things our secular world says are unnecessary. If we believe the world, we are doomed. If we look to the cross, if we believe our Faith, then, only then, do we have hope.
In this year, our 15th year together, the question of how have we survived while others have not, is a question that I cannot answer. I don’t know the ins and outs of every other marriage…. I don’t know how different our lives are in comparison.
How have we made it to a happy 15? And why do I look forward to another 15.
It’s hope. I conclude that we believe and hope in living the life God had planned for us. Not only us as the sahmatwork and the HH, but the life that God plans for each married couple, to die to self, offer ourselves over and learn to love without conditions……learn to give as parents the way He does as the Parent, and perfect ourselves, making us worthy to attain eternal life with Him.
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