Old War, New Battle

So, I know blogging has been slow.  I do recognize I say that every post.  However, I will say one thing, in my own defense, I've been more engaged and aware in my own life.  Being fully present and engaged leaves little time to stop and contemplate, reflect or put words down.  Blogging is a kind of way to stay behind the scene, to capture something later, and disengage from life for a while, tucked away in my little office, filled with IT wonders that HH has assembled for my use.

You know those people who are constantly behind a camera?  You know those individuals who feel more comfortable behind the scene, rather than be in it?  We all know people who would rather click a button to capture a moment, than be in a special moment themselves.  I admit, I teeter back and forth from the logic my brain tells me, that is to be engaged, involved and fully present, and then the one that feels the need to document every life state, every cute little quip that one of my children said or did.  It's a life balancing the participation with the documentation.

And then there is what FEELS more comfortable.  I am a woman, and feelings and emotions often time will rue the day, not to say that I don't battle some of those tendencies with my own logic and common sense.  When I came face to face with what is more comfortable for me, and making those choices, of clicking the photo, the video camera, or yes, even the clicking of typing letters on a screen, I used to rely heavily on emotion. 

I relied on what I felt and left common sense and logic to the side.  I would have continued to live a life capturing others around me, without having a life of my own, without impacting those I love, those same little people in the scene I am photographing. 

This summer, something happened.  I am not quite sure how to explain it or even name it.  HH and I have been celebrating, still, our 15 years of marriage, and in contemplating this milestone, I came across something I needed to personally examine.

Did I only do things in my life, my children's lives, or in my marriage, that simply felt right, or comfortable?  Did I rely heavily on instinct instead of actual common sense, or the belief I'd do anything necessary for the happiness of those I love the most?

How often am I moving myself into areas I would rather neglect?  How often am I demonstrating to my husband that I am willing to make small changes to please?  How am I showing him that this marriage is a life long process, not a one day celebration with a lifetime's worth of my way or the highway?

How can I show my own gratitude for the 15 years of married life that I have so enjoyed.  And in showing it, how can I move my own will to areas I have avoided, issues I'd rather not tackle, those exact issues he has asked me to examine and conquer. 

What could our marriage be like, if I indeed go to places that are filled with pain and regret.  What level of love does God want between us?  As trust over 15 years is strong and built, what couldn't I face with my beloved at my side, cheering me on, and loving each victory as well as each defeat....in defeat, the willingness to love is there.

How many women actually say that they'd love to become the wife that their husband deserves? 

But how do we do it.  It's counter-cultural to even make this statement of love and devotion.  It implies that somehow we surrender our feminine identity and adjust to whatever our masculine counterpart desires.  The punchline, which I do believe, is that men understand the differences between our sexes, and simply want us to embrace what makes us different, become completely feminine, and allow them to be completely masculine. 

Simple.  Yet our culture has driven home this whole idea of women being strong, stronger and more able to do it all.  And what is left?....Frustrated women who recognize we fall short, simply because it's impossible to do everything.... and do it alone.

We fall short, as we depend too largely on our emotions and decisions based on all emotion make bad decisions.  God's plan to have both men and women work together, however frustrating at times, is truly the complementarity of the spouses, finding their path and life in this world with the conquering spirit of men and the nurturing compassion of women.

After 15 years of being strong, I'm tired.  I've fought for so many of the wrong things, holding on to past hurts, issues, rehashing old pain, finding identity in 'the victim'.  And.  I'm tired.  And I was alone in this fight.

But the war isn't over.  The battle has simply changed.

I put on my armor to face a new enemy, but this time, I am unafraid. 

I put on my game face, to tackle what keeps me from being the woman he deserves....but this time, I am tougher.

I walk boldly into places I have always neglected out of fear, or pain, but this time, it's different.  Why am I so emboldened to fight an enemy that I ran from for this many years.  Why is it different that this battle should seem possible to win.  Why do I taste victory already?

I know why.

15 years have proven why.

And it's the answer every women, deep in her heart, knows and at times, can't accept, that we are worthy of it, worthy of the kind of love we already have. 

And the answer of why, my dear friends, is that we are not alone.

I am not alone.

My beloved stands armed and ready at my side, to fight the demons of yesterday with the faith and belief in me and God, to bring about a whole new future.  Where I was once alone fighting against myself, deserved or not, now, he is there.

The battle has been engaged, the enemy knows we are working, and his blows are hard and swift.  They cut in places now exposed, now handed over, surrendered by this ache to love more fully.  Oozing the pain of the past, I welcome the cut in the exact places I have protected, wounds that will heal, sealed by the tender love of one good man.

I secretly smile at my scars.  Pride keeps my enemy from knowing why.  They are my battle wounds, proof, that I indeed can change for the better, that I am able, that I have the one thing that my enemy doesn't have.  I have love.  Deserved or not, I have it.

I have Love standing by me, and making my battle, however difficult, bearable and even at times, enjoyable to be fighting such a worthy cause,
with the hero of my life,
my beloved.