We had a serious discussion prior to getting married, my
Hero Husband and I. I was determined to
not marry someone who even believed divorce was an option. So I put my beloved to the test. I flat out asked him, “Do you believe in
divorce? Because I don’t. I won’t marry someone if there is the
slightest chance, you think this won’t last a lifetime.” Obviously, he passed, and the rest is
history. However, I wonder how many
couples have had this frank of a discussion prior to their wedding day.
Over the years, we've heard friends of friends who have had
marriage trouble. We've heard stories of
others, we've seen people separate and divorce and because they were more like
acquaintances, it never really hit home.
We could feel sorry for them, but in the end, we really weren't empathizing. We never let it in.
This past year, a friend of my husband separated and
divorced, and a close family member of mine is currently involved in a bitter
divorce. Being no stranger to hearing
gory details of the demise of relationships, I guess we had assumed that we’d
weather these two tragedies in similar fashion.
Even without us knowing, it did impact us, it did have us
looking at each other in different ways.
Almost like eye-balling each other, examining each interaction for those
hidden signs that something must be wrong here.
If it can happen to ‘them’ it can happen to us. And you guessed it, bickering and unrealistic
expectations of each other resulted.
Finally, in a heated argument, I remember shouting, “What has changed
here?!”
My beloved shook his head without word, and the first thing
that came to my mind was how close these two divorces had come to our
hearts. “The only thing is your friend
and my family, living through divorce!”
Again, I had silenced him, and we sat and reflected on this
possible reality.
Had these two ending marriages made us suspicious of each
other? Did it impact our marriage on
some level? How do we step back and look
objectively at ourselves and our own relationship, in order to avoid reliving
someone else’s reality? Their marriage
was / is not ours. Their dynamics don’t
belong to us. How can we not let someone
close to us, change us? It takes such
work to put emotions aside and look objectively at a relationship and be
willing to accept the other’s change and be willing to make changes ourselves.
Shortly after our heated argument, we made a decision which
deep down I want to believe is both our attempts to work together on a project,
compromise, and create a space only for us two.
Our master bedroom has been, like many others I've heard, a kind of
catch all. It housed toys, random items
we don’t know what to do with, unfolded laundry, and a host of nick-knacks. It had mix matched dressers, unpainted walls,
dreary room-darkening curtains, and a carpet in badly need of a good
cleaning. We never owned a headboard or
baseboard to our bed, no side tables.
Used to putting the children first and their needs, we
tended to overlook ourselves, our own space where we would ‘crash’ at the end
of the day. It was never a room I wanted
to stay in for long…..for HH too, as he never liked my room-darkening curtains,
and never told me so. I sold him on it,
“Honey, it matches our bedspread!” …which
years later, he confesses, he never really liked either.
What an experiment our bedroom project has been. No decision has been made by one or the
other, we came together on every single purchase, down to the lamps, the
ceiling fan, the dressers, the sheer curtains, where to rent the carpet
cleaner, the color of paint for the walls, the shoe organizer in the closets and
so on and so forth. I hardly recognize
our room. It looks like a room we've vacationed in, in some far off place, a place to seek peace, relaxation and solace.
**Funny side note, on
a Spring Break vacation, our bedroom had a King size bed. Neither of us slept well, as we could never
reach out and find the other! The biggest bed was the loneliest.
As each piece was decided on and purchased, it turned out
that we really do have similar ideas, and goals that we wanted to achieve in
the room, first and foremost, “This is not a room for children.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I really love my
kids. And I will never forget a great
priest tell me once, “God first, girl.
Then your spouse. Then your
kids. Then you. In that order, girl. In that order.” I sat for a minute on that, to which he
stated clearly, “Listen. The best gift
you can ever give to your children, that you love so much, is a great marriage
and a stable home.”
I have carried that advice with me for years and years, and
it hasn't failed me.
So yes, my children may enter our new “Vacation Room” which
we have lovingly termed it, but only briefly.
It is not a place to play, bring toys or wrestle in. Now, I have breakable things in there! Which I love and here’s the kicker, HH loves
them too.
Now, to be totally honest, we aren't completely finished
with the room. It’s a process to live in
a space, and realize what needs to be here or there. There are no pictures on the walls, still
need the new bedspread and my 15 year old wedding dress still needs to find a
home, but as the light shines gently to wake us every morning, and I turn to
see my beloved in our ‘vacation room’ I have never loved him so much. Not only does he still not believe in
divorce, but he’s willing to invest his time, his energy, his money in
something just for us. For finding peace
in hectic days. For finding quiet from
our five noisy children.
Well, really, for finding each other.
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