As a kid, I knew the 10 commandments, I had to memorize them for CCD on Saturday mornings, however, I never really knew what they meant, never tried to apply that 'Honor Thy Father and Mother' teaching. Over the years, though, as a parent myself, have seen how important this teaching really is, and have even made steps, as an adult, to uphold that commandment. Better late than never.
My Carefree Knight had a situation yesterday, where he did a little trash-talking with his friends about his father. I might never have known it, however, Thinker brought it to my attention, and as I asked Knight about what happened, my face showed all the disappointment I could muster. After he was finished, I looked him straight in the eye and told him, "You broke my heart, buddy. Can you imagine how Dad will feel when you tell him this?"
He didn't say much in response, as I could tell he was working to hide his tears.
I simply showed my sadness to him that his actions hurt his Dad, and so have hurt me. I told him he would have to tell this truth to HH when he got home from work.
After dinner, Knight courageously asked for a private discussion. He told Dad the full truth. I was in the kitchen at the time, and unfortunately didn't hear the whole talk, however, Knight came out to get a Kleenex, and asked me if giving Dad $5 from his piggy bank would work as a good punishment.
I told him, "You have to work out a good punishment with Dad, not me. It's up to Dad."
His pleading eyes told me with no words, Please Mom, don't make me face the truth of what I've done.
I sent him back to Dad. He had to face the music.
Knight came out with printed paper in hand, went straight to find a pencil and lined paper in order to write a few things down at the table.
I didn't know what he was writing, I was pretty absent during this whole scene, (it had been a rough day, and I was exhausted and had pulled a leg muscle, doing what, I have no idea!) and it IS tough to be absent. I'm always the one involved in the formation process of the children. But sometimes, I need to step back.
Sometimes, the men need to work it out, just the men. A Dad has expectations of his sons, and I don't want to get in the way of that. There is a special relationship there. I can't design it my way.
After Knight had finished his writing punishment, HH sat at the table, one on one, and discussed the writing. I heard words like, "honor, obey, armor of God, truth, and righteousness and shield of faith". Hearing this, I had a feeling HH was incorporating bible teaching with his role as a Knight of the Altar, and the expectations that God has for him, as a soldier.
This morning, I got a clarification as to what was written out, Ephesians 6. Great teaching.
In the past, if ever any of the children talked to me or about me in a disrespecting manner, HH was quick to the rescue. His stance, "You never talk that way to or about your mother, MY WIFE." He is the protector, of me and the family.
When roles are reversed in this way, where HH was disrespected, I am still not the rescuer or protector. I show sadness, hurt, and disappointment....and it almost always does the job. The kids absolutely hate to see their mother saddened. It's something in them, that cuts so deep to know that their actions have wounded me. HH then handles the child with a formative lesson and we move on.
These dynamics may not work in every family. I am sure that families have come up with various ways to teach respect and family loyalty in public places. However, we have seen over the years, some dynamics really do work. And sometimes these dynamics do go against what might come instinctively.
Sometimes, I want to be the protector, I want to fight a few battles for my beloved. I want to be fierce, tough and willing to walk, shield and sword into the war of respect for my spouse!
And then, I stop myself.
How do we support and encourage our husbands and sons to be fierce in the world, if I come to his rescue at every opportunity? The men are going to have to face a tough world, one that doesn't care, one that will cut you when you aren't looking, will step on you to get ahead...and so on. That's the real world....and our men NEED TO BE MEN to live in and lead in that world.
It's their God-given mission to protect, it's in their bones to do so. When they rescue their wives or families from some disrespect, they have WON a battle! They have built a confidence in themselves, a new self-esteem and self-worth. They are needed, wanted and honored. As a wife, and mother, I can't rescue my husband, and then expect him to know that I need anything from him. If I save him again and again, he'll wait for me to do it in the future, and will never come to rescue me. I don't need him if I've taught him I can do it alone.
I could get slammed here. I know it. It goes against our secular society. "Women should be strong and can fight for their men." I can hear it now. "Don't teach your son such old-fashion teachings", "Men CAN be wounded too and we can rescue them!"
I disagree. How many men are out there that have no idea how to be a man? How many men out there are abundantly successful, due to trials, battles and wars (figuratively and literally) ....they battled each one, and WON. Someone had to ALLOW those battles, those wars. And it usually isn't the kinds of wars we watch in movies....it's these little ones. Someone has to ALLOW our men and sons to win some battles on their own...perhaps the battles in respect, honor or dignity. The wars are different, however, are still powerful 'wins' for men in the great need they have in being our heroes.
It's hard to allow those we love to fight their own battles. But in the process, something so valuable happens, that it takes a wisdom of a wife and mother to allow it all to unfold.
I can't always save the day. I don't want to. I want to see HH conquer the world for his family. I want to teach Knight to follow his father into that war. I want to see strong men....not boys that I will forever have to save.
Everytime I want to usurp the authority, fight the battle, no matter how big or small, I make a conscious effort not to. I send in my best warriors....and they get better by fighting for what's right. They earn respect of all their fellow men. They earn their medals courageously. They even go so far, as to lay down their lives for what they believe. They live and die by the love of their women.
Comments