Authenticity and Trust

Somehow, events as they are erupting around me, lended itself to yet another venue of public speaking. While, I am getting a tad more comfortable, I realized the need for authenticity in all these moments of private relationship building, and at the public presentation level too.

People can tell, I don't know how, but they can tell how real you are, in a private setting and in public ones. They can see right through you sometimes, and an "act" is obvious. An "act" is never received well, as it subtly tells someone, you aren't comfortable sharing the truth of yourself.....and the reasons for that could be many. Perhaps you aren't okay with who you are. Perhaps you are telling the other person, you aren't ready to share that deep of a dimension yet. Perhaps you are nervous, uncomfortable, stressed, tired or unhappy. The subtleties of an "act" are so vast, that someone observing you, might get the wrong idea...or the right one, that you distrust them.

Authenticity wins people over, I have learned. Years past, I tried to be someone else. I tried to be something or someone that I assumed would be well received. I tried to be someone else's version of me. And I was miserable. I didn't make friends that way. I was never asked to talk in front of anyone. I ended up quiet, alone and frustrated that someone had led me astray, into a life of constant self-preservation.

I lived under the yoke of "Don't give too much, you'll get hurt".

But, what I have learned is the biggest lesson yet....... the giving is what is living.

In only the past few months, I have given more than ever in my whole life, socially speaking. As, someone near and dear to me, explained it this way, "You have opened the door to your heart."

And of course, my response, was one of "Perhaps a crack of a window would have been smarter."

Alas, an open heart allows for another open heart. People see the open door, and realize you're risking something, and it makes THEM feel safe enough to do the same. Most generally speaking those around us will treat that open door as a treasure of trust, not to be betrayed. (That's a tough lesson to learn as well, as I have had to learn discretion in choosing friendships).

People show themselves and the quality of their intentions usually pretty quickly and frequently. If, and only if you are paying attention, will you see it. Some of these ladies I am getting to know, I have known for years and years, but never going past the acquaintance stage of a relationship. Why? Well, I can tell you, it's safer that way.

And now....now, I am in unchartered territory. I am in an unsafe zone....clearly, these ladies could land-blast me, and I have yet to see it happen. It's almost like I am waiting for that darn shoe to drop, and then I'll wake up from this long dream, to realize, it was indeed a nightmare......that trusting someone else with the depths of my heart was to my own detriment.

I have wondered for so long, God's plan in this new direction He is taking me and our family. I have asked for some clear sign of what He wants to see from me. What does He expect to happen? And again, I see again, this whole process bringing to light my own weakness and ability to trust. Trust others, trust God, trust myself. It's all missing and I can clearly see the struggle I find myself in, again and again, with the topic of trust.

Dear readers of my small dent in the blogosphere, please hear from my heart to yours....when we have been hurt, deeply, damaged in some fundamental way, and can't see past that pain, we resort to our own defenses, realizing the pain is too much to confront again and again. So we protect ourselves at every turn. It is THIS, dear readers, that God is asking me to push and pull with on a daily basis.

And.

It's

Exhausting. 

For some personalities it's simply exhausting to be social, to open up and be vulnerable. Add on top of that issues with trust, and let me tell you, I fall, every night, to the couch, completely voided of any energy. My life right now, is a compilation of days interrupted by random, short naps filled with dreams of betrayal, loss or abandonment.

It's as if I am living one of those movies where the days are filled with certain elements of God working, to only be attacked at night with that exact person's worst fears. If that's not a Spiritual Warfare, I don't know what is.  

So as I move forward, and tonight ask my loving HH to bless me and our bedroom, I ask for your prayers as well. Sometimes, discerning what God wants is the toughest job. Not this time. I've got it. I see it. I know what He wills for me right now. The newest battle is to fight my own weaknesses, and not give in to despair....and not allow my will or flesh to betray me and what God has planned.

He wants healing and trust for me. Me. It's personal. It's intimate. It's that quiet voice that I hear in the depths of my being, when all else is silent around me. He is there. He is hoping in me, and trusting me. Dear Lord, help me to hope and trust in you.