For some mothers, they never consider themselves, they give and they give, to their own detriment, as they slowly but surely find themselves completely voided, and unable to give anymore as they haven't tended to themselves on any real level. And tending to themselves doesn't mean complete neglect of everything else, it doesn't mean a kind of selfishness that leaves everything behind in chaos, in order to have "me time".
Personally, I have had trouble stealing a few moments away for re-charge. And my tank is low, well, empty, if I am truly honest. I have little to give, as I left myself out of the 'tending to do list'. Finding balance is tough right now. I know why. I am searching out solutions, am training others to take things off my plate. I see the problem. When others are suffering, it's my instinct to step in. These past eleven years of being Mother has changed me, softened my heart, allowed compassion to seep in, and so when I see others desperate for help, there I am.....even at the expense of my own children.
It hurt to write that.
My kids have been my whole life for these past 11 years. They consumed me, and I was happy. This week, an incident at the school with my little Babe put things into perspective for me. He suffered, as I gave more than I should have, spent too much time when I should have left, listened when I should have interrupted for the sake of my Babe. I should have said, 'no', for him....for my three year old little guy, who kept hearing from me, "Just a few more minutes, be patient".
His little, pleading eyes tore at my heart again and again, as I felt the need to save someone else's day, rather than being this little guy's Mom. Ugh. My heart stings.
I will make mistakes. There is no doubt. I did make a huge blunder Wednesday of this week. And yesterday and today, my plan is to right the ship, make decisions and plans for the future so that I am not caught up in this thing or that, stepping in when I should be stepping out. My balance is out of whack....seriously.
And I know it, as HH has confirmed it and he is always honest with me. He sees it from the outside and today, today I pray we come together and search out concrete answers for the future.
I looked forward to the day when some of my children would be more self-sufficient, when they entertained themselves, when I could enjoy a tad more freedom. Little did I know that freedom, when pushed to the limits, often includes a kind of sacrifice, that I see clearly now, that I never knew would be there. And to sacrifice my little Babe, well, it has torn my heart to pieces. The one thing that I swore to never do, I did, I put him on the back burner. I pushed him away.
But the story is not over, as I am a stubborn woman. This will NOT happen again. I refuse to allow anyone to pull me in where I do not belong. I refuse to push my little guy away, just when he needs me. I absolutely will remember who is more important, in any given moment. And it's my family, it's my husband, it's my children. What's more important is tending to those little, pleading eyes that just want to sit with his mother.
I knew this new path for our family, would be rocky at times, I saw that coming. But when I see the aftermath of a bad day, of Mom not prioritizing well, then I clearly see the results aren't worth the sacrifice my children have had to make. They had to lose their Mom, and that's not acceptable. They should never lose their mother. Even in the most trying of situations, I should be there, not anywhere else, not gone saving someone else, but there for them - that's my job....that's where my salary comes from, my reward, my salvation......no where else.....not right now.
How much I have learned personally from the last two months is staggering. I can hardly absorb the depths of schooling I am taking in. This lesson is no different. I slipped. I failed. But God didn't make me who I am to give up. I will dust myself off, I will make amends, I will right the ship. I thank God, that He gave me the eyes to see what was happening, that my soul was disturbed enough to make a change.
Am I being too hard on myself? Perhaps. We all have 'ugly mom' days. However, I need to accept full responsibility for my actions, see the gravity of the circumstances, or I'll never make real and lasting change....and that's what I need. Real. And. Lasting. Change.
Like I said, this is not the end of the story, in a way, it's a new beginning, where I can learn something new, train myself again, and be open to others in a new kind of way. There are people who will see openness and misunderstand it, as meaning a highway to drive on and over. And so I must be the one, who demonstrates what true openness can be, without allowing anyone to take advantage of it. It will take a new kind of strength and character, that I must find and live, in order to say a very tiny word....a very powerful word, and contrary to my new found nature.....
And it's 'No'. It's 'No', my family comes first. It's 'No', I have to leave. It's 'No', I'll call you later. It's 'No', my Babe needs me right now. As much as that little word is not my favorite one, as it clearly can push people away, in order to find balance in my own life right now, that tiny, two letter word, will save.........my...........life. It can restore what has been lost in my home. It's a gift to have that ability to use that word when necessary. I am putting myself to that challenge to attain that gift. To learn that gift, to pray for that gift.
Lord you gave me this family, this life, and I am grateful for it. Help me to balance the demands of others amidst the demands of my family. Help me to be gracious when saying 'no' and help me to be the 'yes' for my husband and my children that they need me to be. They must be first, Lord, they need to be first, help me to see it, daily, to prioritize well, and be the first example of openness with prudence. Amen.
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