Opportunities and Priorities

Opportunities can be God's way of giving us a chance, giving us an obvious fork in the road, to prove ourselves to ourselves.

An opportunity has arisen.  Not just a random thing that could have happened to someone else, in a small twist of fate, if you believe in that kind of thing.  It arose, specific for me.  I was singled out, and while that whole notion of being noticed is a rarity for the Stay at Home Mom at Work, it definitely fed the ego, rose the Pride and had me battling my own mission in this life.

I like to think of myself as a kind of Secret Agent.  We move at stealth speed, unknown, quiet, but with purpose.  I'm there, you can see me, however, I mostly go unnoticed, going about my business, often moving here and then there, to ensure some disaster isn't going to send my world into chaos. 

I shift my persona to accommodate the needs, as any spy would do.  I'm demanding or playful, I sing and dance, or clap in the audience, study hard, cook a mean dinner, and then after all is said and done, be the 'wife'.  We wear many hats, just as the spy.  We shift like it's a way of life, it's normal, it's what we know to keep the peace, the calm, the schedule.  We shift from gardener to cook, chauffeur to cheerleader, drill sergeant to nurturer, from doctor to lawyer....all .....the.....time.

I have lived for so long, with one passion, one mission, one life.  And it is a good life.  It forced selflessness, my time, my energy....all of me. There was little room for much else.   I made a peace with that fact.  I made a peace with giving the gift of myself to whom He gave me, without looking for reward, without recognition.  It's a humble life.  It's meek, lowly, and at times, utterly lonely. I hoped in the wisdom of God, in His plan, that He would take care of the rest.  That all I had to do, was keep giving.  Even when I was tired, sad or sick, He asked me to give to the littlest of souls in his flock, and give them that drink of water, give them that kiss of love.  I have done my best.  I have given what I had to give.  I taught, formed, raised, clothed, nursed, loved, most importantly loved, these creatures I have come to know as my mirror. 

They show me, ....me. 

If I don't like what I see in them, then it's because I see a bit of myself, my weakness, my imperfections.  And embracing them all, the little souls, perfect, and imperfect, I embrace them and me at the same time.  It's a love like no other, deeply rooted in all of myself, my heart, my passion, my mission.

As mothers, we encompass it all.  We have to.  We don't have the luxury to sit, drag our feet and state firmly, "I'm not THAT kind of Mom."  Yes you are.  You are all things to these little ones....the first taste of parental love, just as God the Father loves us.

Imagine that.  Children will learn about God, about the most Faithful Father, from you, from the level of Love that exudes from you.  Is that Love patient, kind?  Does it envy?  Does it boast?  Is it proud?  Is it rude?  Is the Love we give self-seeking.  Are we easily angered?  Do we keep a record of wrongs?  Do we delight in evil?  Do we rejoice in the truth?  Do we always protect, always trust?  Do we hope?  Do we Persevere?  Does our Love ever fail?

Ok, back to opportunities.

Ten years of living in a way, absorbing this life, being that Secret Agent, unnoticed, and suddenly, I was pulled from my undercover operation, and am squinting in the spotlight, and praying to God that it be lifted from me. 

Allow me to hide in the shadows, where I am most comfortable.  Allow me to do my work, uninhibited, no obstacles, giving all of myself to the mission, to the job You gave me Lord.  I'm your Agent, moving quietly, so no one sees.   Why this light now?  Why now?   I am on the path, I see it, I follow it, and yet, this moment in time, has me shifting, left and right, Lord, Is it your Will that I make my own choice, that I no longer live it out of obligation, but because of Love?

How to press on, how to forge forward.  I am at a loss. I know not.  Answering every question brought before me, with a mother's wisdom, I find I haven't a daughter's clue.  I assumed this role.  I assumed the leadership, as it was given to me.  I grew and changed for it.  And now, now, this side street has opened up, it's almost like that temptation to go down it drags me....pulls at my emotions.  It tugs at me, constantly.

But here's the kicker....it's my choice.  I am not thrusted into something that I can't control.  I have the control.  It's as if, God is trusting my choice.  And THAT makes me nervous.  Don't trust me, Lord, I am libel to screw it up.  Point the way.  You have already planned what is best.

Just because this opportunity has arisen, does that mean it must be God giving it to me?  Could it be that He trusts I will make the right decision?  Is He trusting that I will put my children first?  Is He hoping....... in me?

Does He look lovingly at each one of my children, and then turn His gaze to me, as their mother, and does He put them into my hands to learn Love, to learn priorities, to learn sacrifice of selfish wants?  Does He give these little treasures to me to learn gratitude?

This opportunity will pass me.  Last night, I said my 'good-bye'.  I will let it go.  But first I will take one thing from this experience......I have learned something infinitely valuable, which just might be why I saw myself, lit up, and squinting.....

I learned that Love is tough.  Not just tough, it's about priorities.  What's MOST important?  Pushing that to guide all decisions Is.  So.  Difficult. 

Love is meant to be so.