A friend of mine shared a dilemma she and her husband were battling recently, which in turn caused more than a few friendly debates in our own home. The details have been changed, but the core issue remains the same...here's how it all played out:
Just prior to Wife's birthday, Husband asked what she would like for dinner as well as desert for her birthday celebration. Wife requested her favorite: a specific brand of ice cream found at the local grocery store. It was Lent, and for her sacrifice she reluctantly gave up her ice cream of choice for the Lenten season. She began to look forward to her birthday with new excitement knowing that her long-awaited ice cream would be her treat on her Feast Day.
Her birthday arrived, and Husband came home early from work to prepare for the birthday celebrations to come that evening. He invited her to run a few errands out of the house, so he could finish up a few things, and let it all be a good surprise.
She returned home to find that he had vacuumed the house, asked the children to pick up the toys and baked her a cake. Grateful to see the house had been picked up unexpectedly, she was still a bit confused that Husband had baked a cake.
The birthday dinner came and went, and when it was time for the party attendees to sing "Happy Birthday", Wife's confusion began to grow. Husband brought out a made-from-scratch carrot cake. Following polite manners, Wife blew out candles, and served the pieces of the homemade cake, congratulating Husband on his hard work to make her a special birthday cake. Expecting Husband to make a quick dash to the freezer, Wife made 'those eyes' to Husband, sending the ESP message, "Where's the ice cream?"
Husband, occupied with attending to the guests, and handing out gifts, never got the ESP message, and the evening progressed as usual. After the guests had left, and Wife and Husband sat and talked about the day. Wife, asks Husband, "I tried to make it easy for you, and just asked for my favorite ice cream. Why did you make a cake?"
Husband answers, "Honey, you deserve a homemade cake."
A month passed. Resentment grew. Wife held on to that day with deep regret....not necessarily about the ice cream she didn't get, but more so, that she was asked what she wanted for her birthday, and submitted her request, only to be served with her not-so-favorite, however, homemade, carrot cake.
Little, bitter disagreements began to fill their once so happy home. Finally, Wife brings her deep frustration to Husband. "Honey, I asked you what you wanted for dinner tonight. You said you'd like chicken. I made you fish. I know you don't really like fish. But it took all day to make it and you DESERVE fish!"
You can imagine what ensued. Knock em and drag em out fight played out. The source of the problem? Husband saw that his hard work was showing his love for his wife. It didn't really matter what the hard work was, just that he spent his own time, his own energy, his own self, in creating something just for her. Wife disagreed....having read "The Five Love Languages
", people should give love in the manner that 'speaks' to them. If Husband wanted to show love, according to Wife, he should have driven to the local store, bought the ice cream and been done with it. According to Wife, him knowing her love of that ice cream, heard her request, would have prompted him to get it for her to please her.Basically, Husband thought all his efforts was truly going to be appreciated by Wife, as his method to show a great love for her. However, Husband's result in his efforts wasn't received by Wife as love, it was received as thoughtlessness.
My own HH and I debated this as well.....unbeknown to my dear friend that her dilemma caused some disagreement in our own home. I truly am glad though that HH and I did have these discussions, as it has brought us to a closer understanding of how showing love can be different from one person to another.
In our discussions at home, we came to see that both Wife and Husband were correct....and that in this world there are many 'right' ways to show love. If we demand one way, we miss out on all the other methods of showing love just waiting to be discovered!
In my prayer, I discerned something interesting. We don't get the choice even from God in how He will love us. We don't get to tell Him to love us this particular way, or that particular way. He just loves us in His own way. Sometimes granting our prayer, sometimes not. Sometimes that ungranted prayer request is actually Him showing us love, because He sees the bigger picture, and knows what's best for us.
So in real life too, we don't always get to receive love from others in exact way we'd like, which in my friend's case was the issue. Husband was giving his love, for sure. She couldn't receive it, because it wasn't her love language. She didn't understand that his work was his method to communicate love.
In summary, HH and I came to a conclusion in our debates, which, yes, I indeed shared it with my friend...we'll see if it helps her at all. While Wife should have seen all his efforts as gifts of love, and receive it in the spirit of gratitude, Husband should be more attentive to what would truly make Wife happy on her special day.
While it's easy to pick a side here, both were right and both were at fault. If she can't receive whatever love is given, then the giver will ultimately stop trying to please her, completely.
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